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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25933348">The Pros and Cons of Online Booking</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/thespiderbaby/pseuds/basildarling'>basildarling (thespiderbaby)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Fast Show</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Awkwardness, British Comedy, Canon Gay Character, Canon Gay Relationship, First Kiss, Gay yearning, Holidays, M/M, Repression, Sharing a Bed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 05:21:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,937</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25933348</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/thespiderbaby/pseuds/basildarling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ralph is excited to finally be going on holiday with Ted. Hopefully a mix-up at the hotel won't ruin their break.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ralph Mayhew/Ted</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Pros and Cons of Online Booking</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Right. Er...Ted, I’m terribly sorry about this. There must’ve been a mix-up with the room. Online booking, you see...frightfully unreliable.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I see, sir.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ralph scratched the back of his head and looked around. The room was nice enough; it had a view, at least, and the room itself had a quaint charm to it, but there was the small problem of there only being one bed. A double bed, sure, but only one of them. This kind of embarrassment was exactly what Ralph didn’t need right now; Ted had finally taken him up on his offer of a weekend trip to London, and it had all been going so well. Until...this. This could ruin the whole weekend, and Ralph had tried so hard to make sure Ted had fun on his first trip to the big city in years. He had bought a little disposable camera from Smith's, and had spent the morning snapping pictures of Ted in front of various tourist traps. Ralph wouldn't know if they were any good until they were developed, but did that really matter when he was having so much fun?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hopefully Ted would believe him when Ralph told him that the bed situation was a genuine error. The only thing more embarrassing than the mix-up itself was Ted thinking that this was some kind of intricate plan that Ralph had hatched in order to get into bed with him. Not that Ralph wouldn't like Ted to get into bed with him- but there were other, more gentlemanly ways to go about it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ted, if you hold off the unpacking for now, I can go and talk to the receptionist...get it all sorted out.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Right-o, sir.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The receptionist looked straight through Ralph as he explained his predicament. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You see, ah, when it said </span>
  <em>
    <span>double</span>
  </em>
  <span> room on the website, I was under the impression that there would be two beds.  For two people. Separate.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ralph hadn’t seen the receptionist blink since he’d started talking. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s not ideal, a bit out of our- my budget, but I could pay for another ro-" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We're fully booked, sir. That queen-sized room was the last one we had going.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Right. Hum. Thank you for your help, anyway,” Ralph said, even though the receptionist hadn’t done anything to help at all, and Ralph had no idea how to tell Ted about tonight’s sleeping arrangements. The very thought filled him with embarrassment. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Perhaps,  </span>
  </em>
  <span>thought Ralph. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I could sleep in the bath. </span>
  </em>
  <span>It would be far from comfortable, but worth it to avoid embarrassing Ted. But he wanted to put off telling Ted for as long as possible, so he sat down in the lobby, and flicked through a magazine that had been left on the side. Soon enough, he found the relationship advice pages, something that made him feel slightly better about his own inability to talk about his feelings. He scanned over the letters that people had written in; somebody was asking for advice on the best places to go on dates, and one woman was complaining that her husband was starting to become boring in the bedroom. Ralph started to read on- what he was hoping to learn he didn't know, but once the author started to detail how to give him the orgasm of his dreams, Ralph realised that this was not a respectable publication to be reading in public. He quickly closed the magazine and threw it back onto the table, where it slid down and landed on the floor. He hoped his face didn’t betray how embarrassed he was. A quick getaway was in order, and Ralph made his way back up to the room, trying to look casual, but oozing suspicion all the way. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ralph knocked on the door- he hadn't thought to ask for an extra key- and Ted let him in. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I really am most terribly sorry, Ted. They don't have any other rooms available.” Ralph had a brief vision of Ted laughing off his apology, grabbing his waist and pulling Ralph onto the bed with him, holding him close and- </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ted spoke, dispelling the fantasy. “It's not a problem, sir. I'll go on the floor. Don't exhaust yourself worryin’.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But Ted, your bad back! I won’t have any of this nonsense. I insist you take the bed. And anyway, we're on holiday; there's no need to call me sir. Even when we're at home, I'm Ralph. Just Ralph. “</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ted sighed. “You know it's difficult for me. Your father would've-" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was hurt visible in Ralph's eyes. "My father isn't here, Ted. And you said yourself that I am not like him. You should take the bed, Ted. I don't want us to bicker about this, when we've had such a lovely holiday so far." There. Though perhaps, Ralph thought, that was a little stern. He sighed inwardly. He really didn't want to deal with this sort of anxiety on what was supposed to be a peaceful break. “No, I’m sorry, Ted...it’s up to you, really.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Right, sir. We should probably think about starting to unpack now, anyway.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A short while later, the pair were sitting on the bed a respectable distance apart, watching something uninteresting on the room's TV. Every so often Ralph would make a comment about something someone was wearing and Ted would nod in agreement. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Interesting shoes, Ted. Green.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, they are, all right.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"A bold choice. Not sure they're really my cup of tea though."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Mm."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Silence descended on the pair again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ralph coughed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They'd been watching the screen for what seemed like an eternity, but was probably more like five minutes, when Ralph decided to break the silence again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I do like this programme, Ted. The presenter really is absolutely hilarious. I'm… not sure about his moustache though. It doesn't really suit him.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He's very flamboyant, sir.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes...very, er...flamboyant indeed. Do you think a moustache would suit me, Ted?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wouldn't know about that, sir.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Perhaps not, then. It might make me look a bit old. Not that- not that there's anything bad about looking old.” Ralph looked over at Ted. “About the bed, then-” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sir, it's a double bed."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There's enough room for both of us, so don't worry about it.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Was he hearing Ted correctly? Ted and him...sharing a bed? Best not to let his mind wander too much. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, I hadn't thought about that!” Ralph lied. “I suppose you're right. That's much better than sleeping on the floor…or in the bath.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"The bath?! Don't tell me you were seriously thinkin' of sleeping in there! You'd go mad with the tap dripping on you all night!" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You're right, Ted, it was a silly idea," Ralph slapped his thighs, signalling that it was time for the conversation topic to change. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Now, does this room have a minibar?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After opening every cupboard in the hotel room, Ralph finally found the one that hid a meagre selection of chilled alcoholic drinks. He picked out a can of pre-mixed gin and tonic for himself and for Ted, a tiny bottle of whisky that couldn’t have held more than two sips. He had turned his nose up at the selection of bottled beer, disgusted that there was no real ale and it was all just "piss and chemicals in a bottle." Ralph nodded knowingly, despite being the one who wouldn't know about that sort of thing on this occasion. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, cheers, Ted. To summer holidays!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Summer holidays, sir.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ralph gulped his drink, trying not to wince at the strength of it. It really didn't take much to get him drunk, and he had forgotten that gin was meant to be sipped, savoured. The last thing he wanted was to look like a fool who couldn't hold his drink in front of Ted.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Were you thirsty, sir?" Ted asked with a smirk. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ralph looked down at the near empty can in his hand. "W-well, we </span>
  <em>
    <span>are </span>
  </em>
  <span>on holiday, Ted. One has to let one's hair down a bit. Hm. Now, look at this wine list! Why don't we share a bottle, eh, Ted?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ted's eyes widened. "I'm not paying £60 for a bottle of wine, sir!" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"My treat, Ted," Ralph ran his fingers through his hair, messing it up. "And anyway, look, it's only £59.95!" </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ralph answered the door when room service arrived. During the wait, he'd had the chance to finish off another can. Ted had also abandoned his prejudice and moved onto one of the bottles of mass-produced beer. Ralph tottered to the door, grabbed the wine enthusiastically from the staff, and tucked a crisp £20 tip into his palm. The young man looked shocked, but he wasn't about to argue with such generosity, and made a hasty exit. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ralph set about pouring a big glass for Ted. His earlier reservations about the trip seemed to have melted away, and he looked quite peaceful sitting on the hotel bed, still wearing his cap. He took the glass from Ralph, whose breath hitched slightly as their fingers brushed. Ted silently watched Ralph pour his own glass. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Well...cheers again, Ted." He thought about clinking their glasses together, then decided against it as those 2 gins had already compromised his co-ordination somewhat. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Cheers, sir." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ralph didn't make a face this time; he was now past the point of registering the taste of the alcohol. He shuffled round on the bed so he was lying back against the pillows with his knees up, and sighed contentedly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It's good to relax for once, eh, Ted?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You do nothing </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>but</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> relax</span>
  </em>
  <span>, thought Ted. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I'm the one who does all the hard work around here! </span>
  </em>
  <span>But he kept his mouth shut; Ralph looked so happy lying there, his usual anxieties washed away. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ted could hold his alcohol better than Ralph could, and it showed. Ralph kept absent-mindedly fiddling with the end of his tie as he attempted to make eye contact with Ted. His face was flushed bright red, and he'd managed to mess up his hair even more by running his fingers through it. The bottle of wine lay empty and forgotten at the foot of the bed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"And I- I just think it's so </span>
  <em>
    <span>sad</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Ted, that snails get to carry their houses on their backs...but the poor slug, well, he has nothing!" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Mmm." To tell the truth, Ted was tipsy too. Just a little, though, and he was better at acting sober than Ralph was, although there was no competition there really. "Pesky little buggers though. They deserve it." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"There was one year, Ted, do you remember? You were going to enter your cabbages in the village show...lovely big cabbages...but the slugs got to them and there was nothing you could show! It was terrible, Ted." And Ralph, without knowing what he was doing, reached out and clasped Ted's hands in his own. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Neither man reacted for a few moments. Then Ted silently took his hands back. "We more than made up for it the following year, though, sir," he mumbled. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ralph gave a shaky nod. How foolish he was to try and make a move like that! Even if they were on holiday, there were still all those unspoken barriers and rules they had to obey. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ralph excused himself to go to the toilet and went and sat on the edge of the bath. The bathroom light had a sobering effect on him and he could think clearly for a moment. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Meanwhile, in the bedroom, Ted was contemplating what had just happened. Ralph's hands had felt so smooth in his own, work-roughened pair. If only he hadn't panicked, had that instinct to pull away. He could apologise when Ralph came back, but they both knew as well as each other that there were some things they just couldn't talk about. Ted sighed. Here he was, ready to share a bed with the man he loved, and who loved him, but the one thing they couldn't do was </span>
  <em>
    <span>admit</span>
  </em>
  <span> what they felt for each other. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was brought out of his thoughts by Ralph returning to the room. His face was slightly pink, as if he'd been scrubbing it with a flannel. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Ah, Ted!" he said, as if he wasn't expecting to see him there. He glanced at his watch. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Good heavens, Ted, is that really the time? I ought to turn in for the night. We've got a busy day tomorrow and an early start...oh, perhaps I </span>
  <em>
    <span>did </span>
  </em>
  <span>overdo it on the wine. Bloody good vintage, though." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It's alright, sir."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You know, Ted, I did try out the bath earlier, and I wouldn't mind it, really, it's not as uncomfortable as you might think." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, sir. It wouldn’t be fair for you to do that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“All right, Ted. If you insist.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Was Ralph protesting too much? </span>
  </em>
  <span>thought Ted. But he could tell that the young sir was nervous. And to tell the truth, Ted was too. It didn’t mean anything, really, though. They were simply sleeping together. Well, when you said it like that- </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Various items of clothing were strewn around as Ralph searched his half-unpacked suitcase for his pyjamas. Scooping them up, he made his way back to the en suite to change. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s not like anything is going to happen</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck it, Ted, you have nothing to lose if you tell him how you feel.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Moments later, Ralph popped his head around the door. He was wearing button up flannel pyjamas (that suited him perfectly, Ted thought) and had brushed his hair, so he looked slightly more presentable. However, he lowered his gaze as he caught sight of Ted sitting on the bed in just his vest and pants. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Did you...did you leave your pyjamas at home, Ted?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ted looked slightly puzzled. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I normally sleep like this, sir." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t you...don’t you get cold, Ted?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ted sighed. “I hardly feel the cold, sir.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Right you are, Ted.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ralph slipped into the bed, careful not to look at Ted any longer than was necessary. How had he not realised before how strong Ted’s legs looked? And because Ted always wore his jumper, Ralph never had a chance to see that slight definition of muscle on his wiry arms. There was the scar on the back of Ted’s neck, from that accident he had as a young man; he didn’t like to talk about it, but Ralph noticed now how it stretched a lot further down his back than he had realised. He didn’t know if Ted had noticed Ralph looking, but he quickly turned his head away as Ted joined him under the covers.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The two lay on their backs, staring up at the ceiling for a few moments. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Goodnight, sir.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Goodnight, Ted.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Silence. Ted clicked the light off.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh...sorry, Ted, but I’ve been meaning to ask you about something.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Here it was. Ted’s breath caught in his throat. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Did you have fun today? Seeing the sights, exploring, all of that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I did, sir. Can I ask you something as well?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ralph nodded, forgetting that Ted was unable to see him in the dark. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Would I be speaking out of turn if I said- no, forget it, sir." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ralph turned so he was facing Ted. "What is it, Ted?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It doesn't matter, sir." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"All the same, Ted, if there is something on your mind, you should talk about it. You won't get a good night's sleep otherwise!" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Sir, can't you tell? I can't keep it to myself any longer. I like you, immensely. No, I </span>
  <em>
    <span>love </span>
  </em>
  <span>you...I am in love with you." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>All Ralph could do was lie there, mouth agape. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He loved Ted and Ted loved him back! </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Sir? You feel the same, I know you do. I've spent all this time waiting for the perfect opportunity, and here it is!" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He could hear Ralph scrambling around to get closer to him, and then he felt Ralph's body next to his. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You've made me the happiest man alive, Ted." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They were kissing; years of unsaid passions expressing themselves. Ralph could feel Ted's hands on his body. He reached for Ted, holding him close. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Are you sure this is what you want, sir?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Oh yes, Ted, absolutely. Though I am dreadfully tired…I just...please, Ted. Just hold me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Of course, sir." </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It took a moment for Ralph to remember where he was upon waking up. This wasn't his familiar, cosy single bed at home! He shuffled around a bit and then stopped with a jolt. His head was resting on Ted's chest. Ted's </span>
  <em>
    <span>bare </span>
  </em>
  <span>chest. The gardener looked to be still deep in sleep, and the last thing Ralph wanted to do was disturb him. He couldn't move, though; Ted had an arm around him. Ralph closed his eyes again and drifted back into peaceful slumber. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Ralph woke up again, Ted was over the other side of the room, making a cup of tea. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Rise and shine, sir. God, you didn't half snore last night." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"No…'m not…" Ralph turned over. "Let me sleep." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Here, this'll wake you up." Ted sat on Ralph's side of the bed and handed him the freshly brewed cup of tea. "Best I could do with UHT milk, I'm afraid." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"What's f' breakfast?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Whatever you like. We've got to hurry though, or all the nice pastries will be gone!" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Ted...mm...I had the most </span>
  <em>
    <span>wonderful </span>
  </em>
  <span>dream."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Really? You can tell me over breakfast." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Actually, Ted, I don’t think it was. It felt so...real.” And Ralph pulled him close and nuzzled into his shoulder. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is a WIP from ages ago that I resurrected and finished. This trope was dying for a Ted and Ralph version! Hope I did it justice.</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
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